yep, finally kick my lazy bum to write something. Actually, I always have a lot of things to say but yeah maybe I haven’t make writing blog as my habit so here’s what i feelin’ now.

So… I finally graduated! yay me. honestly, this is really a good time to turn my head back and say, wow i did it. i’ve been learning piano since like 4 until now. but deep inside, i know i have so much more to go.

This mco made me explore about media/film/producing stuffs. and now im actually having dilemma on what i want to do next. I’m currently a teacher and a video editor/videographer of a newly built youtube channel but inside me, i know all of this are just my stepping stone.

There are so many things i want to learn and do, but thinking of studying master or another degree makes me think am i too late? I mean, not that im not willing to, but definitely think of my own financial first.

I really am interested in film stuffs honestly. like create/direct a film and also film scoring. like both parts of the production. but i seriously know that i could only choose one?

i really dont know what suits me now. to improve my musicality by studying music performance, or pursue something deeper like film scoring or should i try something new and go for filming/video editing?
Honestly, it is so hard to choose and i seriously want it both.

For me, i know i can learn things in both areas through internet or online courses but what bugs me is i lack of network and i dont think i can gain much network through online???? im not sure. it is so hard to be your own teacher and judgement choices and just wish there is someone to give me some advice.

well, i think that is what i want to say. really in serious dilemma. i secretly envy my friends that is having a job and you know, having their life sort of ongoing but im still struggling on is there a suitable job for me? or should i pursue more?

ok thats all. see ya on next post.

xoxos ❤

DISCLAIMER: Before you read, I just want to say this is 100% my own opinion, my own experience and my own point of view. You may or may not feel #relatable but if you can read it to the end, well I really appreciate it and you can tell me what you think by commenting down below 😉

Hmm. I am an introvert. I am fear of social activities, don’t really like crowded places, and maybe just like you, wish to stay in my room all day.

I have always fear on talking in normal conversations. I think it started when I was in kindergarten, like when I was trying to make friends, but I think someone made me shut up and made me felt embarrassed, which caused me to be afraid to talk to anyone since then, probably until now too.

I used to be so scared on ordering food at the counter. When I was in junior high, I started hanging out with my friends in malls. I still remember I wasn’t dare to queue up and order at the counter when we were getting food. I was so afraid that I say something wrong or you know, it is just that fear you couldn’t shake it off. You can’t blame me, well, had that phobia since I can remember.

Since then too, I already know I’m a really quiet person. I don’t really talk much when it comes to meeting new people, I do more observing, that is why observing has become my strength now, instead of socialising.

So you might be thinking, this MCO – social distancing, isn’t it my wish to be like this? Well, obviously yeah, it is so fun to just be alone, away from peer pressure, no need to think so much about socialising skills, wew, I definitely save lots of energy from there.

However, if you really know me in person, I am a super all-out person, happy go lucky, and you can also say I’m quite dramatic, as in I have dozens of imaginations/ideas/creativity etc. Well you need to know me in person then you know what I mean haha. But usually, it takes time for my personality to come out from my shell. Sometimes, it doesn’t really come out, and there is where I struggle.

Honestly, I think I am someone who wishes to be an extrovert. Being able to talk to people/strangers with ease, able to handle different topics, stealing the spotlight (umm i am an attention seeker if you still don’t know yet), I mean I used to go to drama classes, I was trained for acting/speaking and stuffs like that so I really wish that “me” could just come out. The path I chose, music, is where socialising plays a big role, actually, it plays a big role in most of the industry. I have lost a lot of opportunities since I could remember, every time blaming myself, why I can’t just go and say hi and let it flow, instead of worrying what to say after “hi”, whether will there be awkward moments, and will that person think I am weird where when I say hi and didn’t continue the conversation. Damn, all these thoughts, it is just haunting me when I meet new people.

One good thing about me is that I enjoy presenting/performing since young actually. I used to participate English story-telling competitions, anything that I can talk in front of the stage, you know why? Because it is scripted. All I need to do is to remember what to say and just say it, I mean, for me, the risk of saying something wrong is less (?) but anyhow, I enjoy presenting, especially like when there is a presentation – powerpoint slides, you will be glad to team up with me because I definitely am willing to talk if there is a script. This may be something small, but as an introvert, I remembered as an average me, you know, not really smart/lazy bum/always go for shortcut (well like they say, work smart not work hard) I had really good presentation moments in my school life and that definitely has stuck in my core memory. It definitely boosts my confidence, knowing that I am still good enough when I am presenting something when it comes to some sort of interaction with people. It helps a lot because in personal/normal life, I really do not know how to interact with people.

You know I am always that person, during school, where you have your friend accompany you to the teacher’s office, I am always the one to knock the door and let my friend do the talking. Actually wait, I think I didn’t knock the door too, I let all my friend do it. Yeah, so there is where I loose friends too because I relied on them too much. Come to think of it, I really wish I had a little bit more courage just to talk to the teachers in the office.

But the fear in me is just too big that, sometimes, I rather hide, because the pressure on thinking how others think of me, like I’m so dramatic/drama queen is just so intimidating. I read so many stuffs that being a drama queen is bad like Sharpay (high 5 if you know her). So, I decided to stick to the same old quiet me, where people will forget about me, thinking I am better far off alone.

Then, when I started staying outside during my uni times, although I was renting an apartment with my friends, but well, life started getting to be alone and lonely. Besides classes, all the times like lunch/study/practice/dinner/driving back to apartment is 90% alone. It was then I started feeling depressed.

I may enjoy being alone but I hate the taste of loneliness. That is mostly what introverts will face. Some may be used to that taste of loneliness, but they definitely have to go through that process. I guess I did went through and honestly now, with so many lessons/late night cries/downhills, I can say I am happy to be lonely sometimes, because that is where I know, I am here for myself. *pats on my shoulder* I accepted the fact that I am an introvert and I should appreciate it. This MCO really had proven me that it is ok to be an introvert – well come to think of it, it is a time for introverts to shine hahahahahaha

But with all the struggles I faced, that did not stop me from trying to be slightly extrovert. Before I say anything, I want to let you know that, you may say I have different personalities/different faces/someone who acts a lot, well, you can say all you want but one thing doesn’t change is that I am like that. I am an introvert trying to be an extrovert, and that may causes many different versions of me as I am still finding that balance point every time I meet people. You will find my true self the most is when we are only two person talking (if you’re my friend you should know), I am always the quiet one when there’s a third person. Well, back to what I was saying, I really want to have the benefits of being an extrovert. It is a need in my career/personal life/and to stop my struggles as an introvert.

I tried a lot of times. I failed. I loose friends. Tried again. Failed again. I depressed.

So, I think accepting who you are is the key of change. I did not accept that I am an introvert last time. I blamed myself for it. I hated myself for it. Seeing so many opportunities lost right in front of my eyes because of my stupid mouth that doesn’t want to speak out for myself. I accepted my flaws, knowing that what is comfortable for myself, knowing that I am someone like that aaaand I think that is where my change started.

I could not describe how and when I changed. I just tried many times, failed many times, but now, I’m getting nearer to that balance point. I guess knowing what is my own worth boosts my confidence, and my confidence will activate my goddamn mouth to speak. However, when I see someone so much better than me, I loose confidence too, never really dare to ask questions because I will think that, to them, my question is just stupid. So in this case, not only knowing what my worth, knowing that where I am is important too (as in standards, so like if I meet a legendary pianist – I know I am way far behind than them but I know they might have been through what I am going through right now, and if they are friendly, they definitely would be happy to answer my “stupid” questions).

It is okay to look like you don’t know anything, not really good at anything. Honestly, it is really hard to put that ego down. No one wants to show their weakness/leaving themselves vulnerable, but that is how we learn. When we were younger, when we were learning our ABC’s, we did not know anything but we managed to learn. I think it is the society that forces us to be like that, knowing that when someone is better than you, you either try to be better than them, or don’t even try to show your own results to compare (you know, when your teacher give back the exam papers to us, where you ask to the one sitting beside you “how much you get” and knowing if they are a lot higher than you, you may want to hide and not letting them know what you get).

I don’t know about extroverts. I believe there are struggles for them too. But their benefits seems so tempting that I really want to achieve it. Today, I have stepped out slightly nearer to my balance point, trying to be the person to talk/laugh and be myself in front of them, I am glad that they did not think I am weird or affectation (I meant 做作 – well it means someone that just acts too much I think). Actually I may not know their thoughts about me, but I don’t really care, I mean socialising takes time, making friends need even more time, so I guess it is just a step taken today.

So, to all the introverts out there, we all struggle. I don’t know whether you really like being an introvert and live with it really well, I am proud to know that it really doesn’t matter whether we are intros or extros. For those who are struggling a lot, I just want to say, you need some time for yourself, knowing who you are, knowing your own comfort, just be who you are. If you really want to change, and honestly it is a big change, and it will take a lot of sacrifices because when you change, you may be too different for people to accept you again, I just want to say, keep trying. I believe when you know what your purpose of change, you will try your very best to achieve what you want.

This post is mostly about my story. Well, I hope you do know me a bit more about me (well I mean, I am so daring to let down my outer shell to publish this duhh) and you may find relatable in some parts I hope. Anyhow, whoever you are, I wish you the to be the best version of yourself today.


Cheers xoxo ♥︎

HELLO to my inconsistent me wanting to have a blog to write and then gone when mco starts, which I think I should have been actively on but I guess inconsistent me just lazy.

But I have something to say, really important. During this MCO, honestly, a lot of things has changed, I’m sure each of our lifestyle has changed too. Well, I think this is a time for all of us to get closer to our own hearts, to know who we are and who we wanna be in the future I guess.

During this MCO, I saw friends being emotionally to their lives, and you know, just this is a period that is hard for us to stay positive consistently. And I, took this time, to self discover myself, and thinking a lot of ways to live life better? I’m not sure, I am no psychologist (although in a parallel life i wish to be one)

I saw a video that day, titled thinking positive is useless. It started by a guy showing us a jar with clean water, describing that is who we are when we are born – pure and clean. But when the society and negativity comes in, he uses dirt as a representative and throw in the the jar – the jar has become muddy and dirty. He then say, “thinking positive is like adding water into your mind aka jar, and by adding it, it may look like it is getting clearer but it is still muddy”. He then, take a water hose and CONSTANTLY fill in the jar until the jar became clear.

It is quite unrealistic honestly, in the world full of negativity, it is hard to find pure and clean water to consistently fill in to our minds. However, I think the word CONSTANTLY is where we try. We cannot just try this one time, we cannot just try the next time, however, it is about your mindset and attitude to think positively all the time.

Okay, besides that, I think confidence plays a big role in an individual. I think having confidence to yourself means accepting who you are. Usually we loose our confidence is when we start to have pressure from environments and comparing ourselves to others. Honestly, if you start accepting who you are, you start to have confidence in yourself, and the things you do will naturally be much easier and meaningful to yourself. I’m not sure whether is it true, but in my experience, I used to compare my piano standards with my peers, I am always afraid that they see me as someone who doesn’t really have any skill, or don’t have a particular strength and so on, I mean, it is a competitive world right? But when I had time stop to reset myself, I realised that my peers are also busy comparing themselves to people who are even pro. I also thought that, the race between me and them is different. Each person has different time to bloom, watching others bloom doesn’t mean you won’t. Also, their starting point of the race may started long ago or maybe now, but it is unfair for you to compare with them where your starting point may be different than them. If you just focus on your finishing line, I am sure, you will feel better about yourself than seeing you have raced for your life to win over them.

One good news to myself is that I have finally lost quite an amount of weight during this MCO. The friends around me might be annoyed when I keep telling them this but I just want to say I am definitely happy for myself. I don’t have any secret on how this happened, probably I just started a diet where I don’t eat rice during dinner, but I think what I want to point out is, I have not been in my size and my weight since maybe 2012, I used to be in this weight but I took it for granted. I may have prayed to God about me being ashamed of my own body size and really wanted to get back into my size, but then, soon enough, I realised I should pray that I need to accept who I am and love every part of myself. Do things that make my soul happy, and embrace the sadness in me.

It is okay to be whoever you are, as long as you know and accept who you are. In other person’s eyes, it may be something they will talk about but that will be just for a moment, but your life is forever in your eyes. I guess, embracing yourself is the hardest to do but the best way to live life.

Yes, I understand how it feels when you start having expectations when you want to be as good as someone, and living in full colours but you seem that you can’t achieve it. I think the main problem is that you have to focus that one thing you want, I am sure, with enough focus, without the conscious of thinking that how painful of the process of doing it, you will achieve something – if it is not success, it is an experience. You loose nothing.

I may not be good in expressing things, I get that I am quite confusing at times, but I hope that some sentences in this article will inspired to live better because I think that is the best thing you could do for yourself!

Last words before I end this, just keep doing what you love. It may or may not provide income for you, you may feel the pressure if you don’t, but I believe that doing what you love, things that you want will be attracted by you. Remember, people will notice when you start living for yourself, as an introvert, I always wanted to join the cool kids, but now, I will always be my own cool kid.

Cheers xoxo ♥︎

Hey, so according to my title, yas, I’m actually trying to recruit some animators/graphic designer, basically if you like to draw and can draw but you ain’t not sure what you wanna do with your career, (ok honestly this sounds so cliche but – ) me and my friends are actually trying to start a business/market of our own and yas, it is difficult, but well, if you are don’t have any directions and honestly you don’t want to work under a boss for the rest of your life (oops, another cliche line), we are trying our best to be have a good team and start to set up and just basically do your passion.

Okay, so that was my advertisement and here am I doing another post, wanted to talk a little something.
I just want to say that, in my opinion, everyone always try to hide their downs in their life. They always in control on what you see of them especially in social medias – making you think their life is perfect and rich but I do believe that nothing comes easy. Each good thing may have its suffer behind.
I sort of realised this when I am really down in my life but few of my friends come to me and say i’m good or lucky and etc., not that I want to deny them and being super humble, I just think that my friends are even better than me, and turns out everyone has their own problems.

I wanted to say this because social media has changed our lives. The likes – oh, they have affected me real bad, and I think I was just addicted to it. Like few years back, I know that there are plenty of apps that just requires to like or follow other people’s ig account, you will get your likes and follows, so yeah, but I just could not catchup and ofc I didn’t want to like a random eww photo as my followers are able to see that too.
Then I did something that changed my life or perspective, I turned off ig notifications – just left the dm notifications on, and honestly, I slowly did not care about my likes or followers. I think it is just toxic.

And also, I really do not want this “me caring about likes and followers” affect my emotions and my perspective of looking things. I should be just posting whatever I like – eventhough I really want to create a good feed – but I know what are my priorities are.

However, these days I’m thinking of doing wordpress/blog or youtube as like a content creator. I know it is hard for me because I know I’m a person who likes immediate results and I will only strive to be better. But being a content creator ain’t that way and I really need to learn how to still set my priorities and be self discipline.

Still, I feel that my purpose have to always set right too. Honestly, me starting to blog again was purely just want to share my thoughts or treated it like a public dairy – not so public now I guess because I don’t really share it to anyone I did this – and honestly doing youtube videos/igtv is just to showcase my piano skills/music and I don’t really crave for many fans or followers to find me. I just want to be who I want to be.

I guess that’s all I wanted to talk about, stay healthy; spread positivity. ❤

This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.

You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.

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